I was born with the sitting gene. I come from others with the sitting gene. Some productive, some not so much. I’m really good at sitting. Really good. Some people get antsy and need to get up and move around. Some can barely sit for any length of time. Not me. I can sit and sit and sit. Thing is, I’m usually very productive while I sit. I work long hours at my job and remain focused far longer than most, usually forgetting to take my break unless I need to go to the bathroom. While it may make me a wonderful employee, it doesn’t exactly promote a balanced lifestyle.
During one of my sitting escapades, probably in my car on the way to work, I began to wonder about euphemisms. (One of the down sides of sitting is I usually have plenty of time to think.) One of my favorites is “laugh my ass off”. I laugh quite a lot. You might say it’s my stock in trade. Since I’m at work so much I try to keep it fun and laughter goes a long way. Unfortunately my ass does not appear to be affected by the ongoing laughter. You might say I have a slow comedic metabolism. As long as I have good comedic timing, I can live with it.
Then there’s “work my ass off”. Who thought that one up, anyway? I work and work and the only affect on my ass is that it is wide and flat – like my work chair. I use the expression all the time, regardless of it’s inaccuracy. The coiner of that phrase must not have been much of a sitter. Maybe they meant gardening or hay mowing or something. Not much sitting in those jobs. Unless you have a garden seat or use a machine to mow. I might be ok at that. At that point I might as well be in my desk chair. Hmm…
Oh, and lest I forget, there’s the ever popular “chew my ass off”. This one is saved for those special occasions when one is afraid of being chastised to a degree that is anything but comfortable, OR has already felt the sting of such verbal lashings. Rarely fun. And not effective in the least, darn it. Still, if that would work, I’d put myself in the line of fire daily until my posterior was much smaller. I am more than willing to suffer emotional pain to bring about a shapely posterior. A shapely posterior of a less chair-like shape.
Obviously, none of these techniques will work as an ass reducing regimen. I suppose it’s time I tried exercise. Not as much fun to say, but still exercising my ass off just might work. Regardless of their accuracy, I suppose I’m glad we use these silly sayings. If we didn’t what would I have to think about while I’m sitting? Or now, while I’m on the treadmill.